Three things that prevent good communication
Several years ago, I worked for a small business that was acquired by a larger corporate entity.
As part of the acquisition, a team from HQ walked us through an orientation that involved a personality assessment. The results grouped us into one of four color categories: the red category indicated you were direct, blues were easygoing, greens were talkative and extroverted, and yellows were thorough and data-driven.
Our new nametags indicated our color on the top corner, which was intended to help us understand others' communication styles and tailor our communications to their preferences to avoid interpersonal conflict.
In other words, it was intended to help us understand that Roger was not being rude, he’s just a red. Susan was not trying to hold you up in small talk in the hallway, she’s just a green. And, further, maybe Roger would prefer a one-word answer instead of a lengthy email.
This company had learned that most workplace conflict stems from misunderstandings, which they sought to prevent and alleviate by providing these insights. As Christians, we know it is impossible to truly eradicate conflict in this fallen world with knowledge alone, but it’s still a noble endeavor to frame communications focused on the good of the other. We have the Holy Spirit to help us. And while it’s helpful to understand why each of us is a certain way, it’s not enough to know ourselves. We must die to ourselves.
So, how do we die to ourselves in communication? For some of us, that’s a lot of death. On a regular basis.
When I sat down to write this article, one of the first verses that came to mind is from our Bible reading plan earlier this month. Jesus tells us that what goes into a man isn’t what defiles him, but what comes out of a person (words, thoughts, and actions) defiles him, because those things come from the heart (Mark 7:20-23). Communication matters. And we all communicate, whether poorly or effectively.
Just like the personality assessment gave me insights into why my brain works in certain ways and how others may differ from me so that I can better communicate, it’s important for us to evaluate our hearts as manifested in the ways we communicate with those closest to us.
Communication requires at least three components: a sender, a message, and a recipient. If you remove even one of those, there is no successful communication. And, as humans, we can mess it up at any or all of these phases. Let’s look at some practical ways we prevent good communication.
1. Sin in our sending.
Surely, we’ve all heard “it’s not what you say, but how you say it.” And while that’s not gospel truth, we are all aware we can say perfectly acceptable things with a full lack of Christlikeness. However, as we aim to consider others as better than ourselves (Philippians 2), let us consider the way we speak. Is it harsh? Is it overly self-focused? Do we ever stop to consider whether we can express something in a way that would be a blessing to the hearer? Are we the sweetest customer in the checkout line but can’t stop barking at our kids once we get to the parking lot? May God help us identify and repent of sin in our “sending.”
Back pocket verse: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt.” (Col. 4:6)
2. Sin in our message.
Sometimes we say harmless things in a harsh way. But sometimes -- let’s be honest -- we say harsh things. Or inappropriate things. Or we gossip. Or we fly off the handle because our kids have done the same disobedient thing for the one thousandth time. Scripture tells us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (James 1:19). We’re also told that “when words are many, sin is not absent” (Proverbs 10:19). Am I the only one who needs divine intervention for this?
If you’re reading this and you’re the strong, silent type, you’re not off the hook. Sometimes we withhold words as a means of hurtful communication. Has anyone hurt or irritated you to the point where you intentionally ignore them? You want them to feel your silence? Maybe this is a trivial “are we there yet?” in the car with kids, or a more serious silent treatment to a spouse. Either way, if we find ourselves withholding communication from a loved one, that silence is a message. Is it a righteous one?
Lord, please stand between us and our words, allowing each one to be pleasing to You.
Back pocket verse: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)
3. Sin in our receiving.
Good communication is hard enough when both parties have good intentions. And bad communication can still occur when both parties do have good intentions. So let’s remember that Christlikeness is still expected of us as the receivers of communication. What does this look like?
Don’t assume the worst. Don’t twist someone else’s words to start a fight. Don’t harp or withhold forgiveness. Don’t insist that something be communicated to you in your “love language” or according to your enneagram number or color personality style. Someone said something hurtful or flippant or too wordy or too terse or posted something with a grammatical error? Receive the message charitably and respond in love. There’s a chance your kind response can redeem a situation or stop an argument before it starts.
Back pocket verse: “Love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8b)
Our house has a messy, multi-purpose room that houses our washer and dryer, shoes, jackets, pantry shelving, backstock for large grocery items, and lots of morning traffic to shuffle people in and out as we get ready for the day. On a chalkboard in that room, I have written Ephesians 4:29, reminding me that I should ‘only say what is necessary for building others up.’ Underneath that is scribbled a desperate prayer: “Lord, let it be so in our household!” As we assess our own communications this week, let’s all ask the Lord for His help. “May it be so!”
